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Ayize23
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Name: Kammi
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 10/23/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: I am a curious person. I like many things. Why dont you stay and chat a while, and youll find out what i like
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/1/2005
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| I think first loves only work out if you are eachothers first love. And even then, its iffy. Maybe thats all there is, is a first love. One first love and a zillion attempts to regain that feeling. Or to first find it. I think once youve felt that, that it can never come back. Nothing can fix it, because if you find anyone else, they are just a replacement. If you go back to that first love, then there are scars that prevent it for ever feeling the same again. Have i found a first love? Am i searching? I could be wrong about this. Because every time you fall in love (or so you believe) then it feels like youve never felt anything like it before, it is so new and overwhelming that you forget all the past feelings. There are definately different stages, but is there only One True Love? There are people you could tolerate and enjoy for the rest of your life, but they arent anything like that one. Jordyn definately wasnt my one. She was exciting, my first girl. Sometimes I wonder if i mainly wanted to have a girl, any girl, that I would have taken anyone. Yes, what we had was what we had and there is no denying that, but maybe it wasnt what we thought it was. To this day i think im trying to only love women. I know I dont like men, but maybe im drawing it out a little too far.Maybe I really am a wanderer, meant to be alone forever. So what happens when a wanderer finds someone? Two nice people who would never give up on eachother. Two lonely people who want to be in love. Are they? They feel that they are. But then you trip upon their past, and all the smiles they shared and all the laughs and all those special moments and feelings, they just seem so small compared to what happened before. You can never measure up. you can never be that, and you can never make them feel that wonderful. And its really a broken cause because there is no way, no possibility, no matter what you do. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with them.. Hell, you want to be angry with them, but you know that you cant, for they have done nothing wrong. They are victims in their own, stuck in the first love syndrome, searching through you trying to feel that way again. This is why we cant see heaven, because if we did, wed spend the rest of our lives depressed, trying to find a place like that. I cannot do anything to make anyone that happy. There is no possibility. So we can move on, say more kind words to eachother, and paint on our smiles as we build a life together, a life that was supposed to be built elsewhere, but since it was destroyed, this will have to do. I can never make you happy like she did. I can never be that feeling. But for the time being, Ill fill a small part of that large empty space that youve been longing to fill. I can only be as much as i am, and beyond that is im possible. | | |
| And to think, if I didnt care, I wouldnt be here. I would be sitting at home, wishing I had something to talk about. But I wouldnt. Uneventful, boring. Nothing special, nothing new. But here I am. I am not alone. I am not alone. Imagine that. Just like that, out of nowhere, I didnt expect it. I didnt expect you to appear. A real live lesbian, an actual good person. Someone who whether im serious or weird or random or average likes me. Just straight up genuinly Likes me. Im not afraid, because you like me for who i am.
Anything can happen next. Happiness is like bad days in the sense where everything hits you at once.
I like those kinds of days. No longer alone, got called about that job.
FREE FOOOOOOOD Finally, good. Finally, human. Me? Yeah right.
I dont eat. Dont sleep. Dont gain weight. Dont feel like any of you. I bet my hands would burn now. I doubt I could stay awake for more than a couple days. And yes, thats my tummy growling. Wtf is human? And why am i just barely learning how to be it? | | |
| who are you to judge me? who are you to assume? who are you to read a few of my thoughts and assume you know everything? I am not everything I write. Are you your journal? This is not me, this is my reactions. This is not my everything. Who are you to decide..to know me..to be angry. Who are you? I ask this because I do not know. No matter how many things i have read, how often you update, i do not know you. I think your mind is interesting, but I do not know it. Not until you tell me. Who are you? I dont know you. As you do not know me. So who am I? Noone you know. | | |
| Im kinda on the look out for a really really good hug. Let me know if you know where i could find one. I need closure. | | |
| I havent done anything really. Same ol' routine. Im thinking about getting rid of the t.v., and listening to music more. It does me good. Im really glad Ive been hanging around Jessica, shes been helping me so much. She doesnt even try, just being around her makes me feel confident and worthy. Thank god for old friends. And no, no romance guys, dont even go there. Ive known this girl since kindergarden. Im finally going to start my own care business. The question is Where. There are two places im considering, each have a very close friend there. Too close? I dont know. But this isnt about them. Its my life, standing up. I know im getting stronger. I dont like the morning feeling, but Im doing so good during the days, fighting the bad things. I still dont go outside alone, but thats probably a really good idea. I dont want him to find out where i live or something.. Oh god, that would be so bad. Lets not think about that. Its weird how the smallest of gestures can turn my mood around.
I only seem really needy. I cant stop laughing. Not like, in a hysteria sort of way, but im just.. I dunno finally letting it out? I have a lot to say to a lot of people. I hope they will let me before Im gone. | | |
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