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Ayize23
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Name: Kammi
Location: California, United States
Birthday: 10/23/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: I am a curious person. I like many things. Why dont you stay and chat a while, and youll find out what i like
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/1/2005
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| I told myself I would write more so I could work on my wpm average. But what in the world do I talk about? Not having a topic has never stopped me before. Right now Im listening to Jewel, because she makes me think and feel, and I love that. I feel like Im so boring now. Like I do nothing, and have no interesting thoughts. I like myself more though. Im not lost like I used to be. I used to think much too much. So is it bad for me to be doing this? Im not bringing myself back, am I? I dont think so. I dont think I could ever get lost like that. I was empty. Empty of everything but overwhelming thoughts. I do wish I had more friends. But its good, I dont feel like Im sacraficing anything now that I have work. Because Tawni is busy when Im working, and I have noone else to worry about. I want to live somewhere. Somewhere where I can sit up, and cook, and breathe. I want to stretch out and feel comfortable in my home. Its not bad here, I just crave more. I always crave more. Who doesnt? I wouldnt mind downsizing on technology and whatnot, however. Im tired of being more advanced and having everything done for me. Lifes too easy and its tearing everyone apart. This economy is shit. How will we ever survive? Desperately, thats how. Maybe when I have space, I can open up. I can become a person again. Ill have room for hobbies and creative thoughts. My best qualities are trapped in this bed. I hope I havent been here too long. I need to make sure I leave before Im gone. I need those qualities back. I need you to know me. I really am, Im interesting. I do things, I feel things, i think things. I hope youll like me. Im so shy. Ive never been this shy for this long before. Youre important, thats why. I care so much. Before, I always wanted a story. I wanted to be the lead in a tragedy. Now Id rather experience the actual life, than act small parts of it. I want to live with YOU. Can we get past these borders, these walls? Can we escape this bedroom, and manage to let down the walls that weve been building for 21 years and counting? You are worth my sacrafices. You are worth it. | | |
| Recklessness is simple.
As simple as a trip to walmart with a bit of cash or a purse.
Sliding open a drawer when youre up late and feeling alone.
Going into the bathroom..every hour.
Looking behind the milk in your very own fridge.
Walking down the street in something short while a few neighbors are out.
Forgetting to breathe in AND out.
Tying your neck tie too tightly.
Ive tried to complicate life, but maybe deep down inside, Ill always be just a simple kinda girl.
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| I think first loves only work out if you are eachothers first love. And even then, its iffy. Maybe thats all there is, is a first love. One first love and a zillion attempts to regain that feeling. Or to first find it. I think once youve felt that, that it can never come back. Nothing can fix it, because if you find anyone else, they are just a replacement. If you go back to that first love, then there are scars that prevent it for ever feeling the same again. Have i found a first love? Am i searching? I could be wrong about this. Because every time you fall in love (or so you believe) then it feels like youve never felt anything like it before, it is so new and overwhelming that you forget all the past feelings. There are definately different stages, but is there only One True Love? There are people you could tolerate and enjoy for the rest of your life, but they arent anything like that one. Jordyn definately wasnt my one. She was exciting, my first girl. Sometimes I wonder if i mainly wanted to have a girl, any girl, that I would have taken anyone. Yes, what we had was what we had and there is no denying that, but maybe it wasnt what we thought it was. To this day i think im trying to only love women. I know I dont like men, but maybe im drawing it out a little too far.Maybe I really am a wanderer, meant to be alone forever. So what happens when a wanderer finds someone? Two nice people who would never give up on eachother. Two lonely people who want to be in love. Are they? They feel that they are. But then you trip upon their past, and all the smiles they shared and all the laughs and all those special moments and feelings, they just seem so small compared to what happened before. You can never measure up. you can never be that, and you can never make them feel that wonderful. And its really a broken cause because there is no way, no possibility, no matter what you do. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with them.. Hell, you want to be angry with them, but you know that you cant, for they have done nothing wrong. They are victims in their own, stuck in the first love syndrome, searching through you trying to feel that way again. This is why we cant see heaven, because if we did, wed spend the rest of our lives depressed, trying to find a place like that. I cannot do anything to make anyone that happy. There is no possibility. So we can move on, say more kind words to eachother, and paint on our smiles as we build a life together, a life that was supposed to be built elsewhere, but since it was destroyed, this will have to do. I can never make you happy like she did. I can never be that feeling. But for the time being, Ill fill a small part of that large empty space that youve been longing to fill. I can only be as much as i am, and beyond that is im possible. | | |
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